Reflection
by IlliterateKoi
Summary: I am a slave to these feelings and for them, no, for you, I would do anything. Anything for you. Shizuru centric one-shot.


**Disclaimer:**I don't any of the characters from Mai HiME they belong to Sunrise.

Edit: Made a couple little changes and corrected some of the more obvious mistakes.

**AN: **I'd like to warn you that this is mostly just nonsensical rambling lol Though I guess given the content that sort of fits :P

* * *

><p>Reflection<p>

_"Even though your love is as far as the farthest star in the universe, I still reach for that star because I want it more than anything in the universe."_

* * *

><p>I often wonder how two people who are quite obviously polar opposites could possibly be friends. That's what we are aren't we, polar opposites? While I am gracious, well spoken and supportive, you are rude, brash and hostile. While I always wear a smile, you wear a scowl. I greet people while you ignore.<p>

Even our looks are massively different. Like summer and winter. Warm chestnut and cool cerulean. Burning crimson and passive emerald. Traditional and casual. Inviting and threatening. I could go on. Opposites indeed.

Although is suppose they do say that opposites attract. Yes, we are opposites, and I was most certainly attracted to you from the moment we met.

When I first met you our differences were immediately apparent. You had your hand outstretched, suspended over one of the beautiful flowers that were in full bloom in the gardens of Fuuka Gakuen. I watched you curiously for a moment, wondering what you were planning to do. I saw your fingers encircle the fragile white petals of the flower, I could tell that your intent was to crush it.

I spoke up, saying something silly about not crushing something that puts all its efforts in to growing to be something beautiful. You whirled around to look at me, your cobalt blue strands whipping through the summer air. The way the sun's rays bounced off your hair made it look like the finest silk and it cast a pleasant glow across your pale skin. And then dazzling green made itself known to me.

God you were beautiful.

I will never forget the look in your eyes in that moment Natsuki. Your deep emerald orbs were overflowing with such anger that it almost knocked the wind out of me. You stared at me for what seemed like an eternity, as if you were trying to burn a hole right through me with your glare.

Several comments were passed between us but I cannot for the life of me remember what it was I said. I was too enthralled with the whirlwind of emotion behind your green eyes to focus on anything else. The burning anger was not alone, there was also pain and deep rooted distrust.

I knew then that something had happened to you. Something that caused you to see the world in a way a child of your age should not. Why else would you be looking at me, a complete stranger, in such a way?

When we parted that day you made it clear that you had no interest in seeing me again, and you certainly did not want to be my friend. I would have none of it though. You had sparked my interest. You were not like most other girls I interacted with. You did not fall at my feet and ask what you could do for me, you did not look at me as though I were a goddess of some sort. You looked at me with _anger_.

I saw you numerous times around the school in the following weeks. You were always alone and I wondered why that was. I saw you leave the grounds each day, on your own and heading away from the school dorms. I saw you sat around campus, staring in to nothingness while other students were busy chatting away with their friends. I saw you traipsing through the school corridors several times, even after lessons had ended. Every time I saw you, you were alone. For some reason I didn't want you to be alone.

I could change that couldn't I?

And I did. It wasn't easy I'll admit. You weren't exactly welcoming, and more often than not you were downright hostile. There were several times during the beginning of our strange friendship that I felt like giving up, perhaps it wasn't worth it after all. I wasn't even sure why I cared so much. Perhaps it all went back to the fact that you intrigued me. There were occasions when I had to wonder if sating my curiosity was really worth all the trouble though.

Whenever I felt that way, you would gaze at me with those intense emeralds and I would see it; the reason I could no longer leave your side. I would see what you were hiding behind that angry and aggressive behaviour. You were lonely. You were trying so desperately to keep everyone at arms length but in actuality, all you wanted was to pull somebody in. You wanted the loneliness to go away, didn't you Natsuki?

Perhaps it was during one of those glimpses in to your real emotions that I realised we weren't really as different as it first seemed. You see, even though I had the entire school at my feet, even though I was never short of someone telling me that they cared, even though I always had plenty of people around me...I was lonely too.

Not one of the people that associated themselves with me cared for me. They cared for the person I _pretended _to be. But that girl didn't really exist. She had been born for the same reason you were aggressive and stand offish; to stop people from getting too close. If nobody really knew me, they could not hurt me.

I do not remember the exact moment where my curiosity was no longer a factor in our friendship. I do not remember when I started to let my mask slip ever so slightly when in your presence. I do not remember when I stopped feeling lonely. I just know that when I was with you, I didn't care about anything else. I was happy.

But you...you weren't happy at all were you? You were hurting and I still did not know what the cause of that pain was. I wanted so desperately to ask you, to be there for you. To help you through whatever it was that was causing you such distress.

And then, one day, as we strolled through the gardens where we first met, you told me. You told me of your mother's demise and your father's abandonment as you lay, in a coma, clinging to life. You didn't look at me while you spoke, and I think I am glad of that. If I had been able to see the pain in your eyes I think I would have cried. As it was I was holding back tears. My heart broke for you.

No wonder you found it so difficult to trust people. No wonder you were angry and distant. No wonder you were lonely. I suddenly wished that you had not told me these things. I wanted to seriously injure the people responsible for putting so much on to your young shoulders. But, you _had_ told me, which was what I had wished for was it not? So that I could help you through it?

You did not allow me to console you though. In fact, you only seemed to push me further away. You could feel yourself opening up and it scared you didn't it? It had scared me too. Opening up. It was not something I was used to, but with you...it felt good. It made me feel free.

You could not stop yourself from relaxing around me though. You slowly but surely opened up to me, coming out of your shell, ever so slightly. It made me feel lucky, special even, that you felt secure enough within our friendship to tell me little things about yourself. It was probably those little things that caused the change within me. As with many other things, I cannot pin point the exact moment when my feelings for you began to change. But when I realised that they had...

It terrified me.

I did not want to feel that way. I did not want these _twisted_ feelings to play any part in our friendship. I wanted to pretend that the feelings I had for you would go away, merely the product of teenage hormones and nothing more. That what I was feeling was simply attraction. For you were certainly beautiful, as you always had been.

I continued to reassure myself of this. It was ok as long it was simple attraction and nothing more. There came a point though where I could no longer pretend that this was the case. I ran for the position of Student Council President for you, even though I had no desire to take on such a role. I won the election and you...

You congratulated me.

You were happy for me. You were genuinely _happy_ for me. It never even occurred to you that you would get that computer access you so desperately wanted. And I knew...I knew then that what I felt was not just merely attraction. The butterflies in my stomach and the way my heart raced, the way I sometimes felt nervous around you...these were not caused by my attraction to you.

They were caused by my _love_ for you.

I found that while I had denied that fact for so long, I no longer cared very much. I was happy. I was riding high and nothing could bring me down. I was in love and there was nothing at all wrong with that. Everything seemed better at this time, colours were brighter, sensations were more pronounced, everything was intense and exciting.

I was in love with you. And you had no idea. You were blissfully unaware that I was giving you longing looks and stealing caresses through my teases. You didn't know that when you fell asleep in the Council room I would watch you sleep, and run my fingers through your silky cerulean hair. You had no idea, and that was fine by me. I did not want you to know how I felt. I knew that you would be unable to accept, let alone return such twisted love. I was content for things to remain the way they were. Or at least I was at first.

You soon became distant with me though. You would run off without warning, disappearing for days on end and return with injuries or looking like you hadn't slept since the last time I'd seen you. I asked what you were doing, I asked if there was anything I could do...and you only held me at arm's length.

You were holding me at arm's length, just like you always had...only now, it hurt me. It hurt me so much to see you being consumed by your revenge. You would use my laptop and then leave. I knew that you were hiding something from me. You would tell me that you didn't want me to get involved and I understood that you were trying to protect me but...it hurt me Natsuki. Why did you feel the need to hide from me?

Even as you chose to distance yourself, I could not help but fall even deeper in love with you. I wanted so desperately to help you, to remove that pain and anger from your beautiful eyes...and then I found out exactly what you had been hiding from me...

You were a HiME.

When Nagi explained everything to me I'll admit that I was terrified. I did not want to be a HiME. I did not want to fight against monsters nor did I wish to fight _alongside_ one. However, Nagi knew. He knew how I felt about you. And he used that to his advantage.

He wanted me to fight, just like the other HiME. And he knew that I would only fight for one reason. To protect you. I would protect you from anybody who dared to even attempt to bring you harm. I would not allow anybody to hurt you. Whether it be an Orphan or another HiME, I would cut them down before they could cause you any harm. I would do anything for you, my precious person.

This was something else I would rather you had never found out about Natsuki. I didn't want you to know that I was a HiME. I was worried that perhaps you would consider me an enemy of sorts and become wary of my presence. As it happened...you should have been wary.

My love for you is not something that I have any control over. It is not something that I can simply turn on and off as I please. It is an all encompassing thing and I was, and always will be, a slave to it.

As much as you like to say that things such as love are pointless, you too, understand just how powerful of an emotion it can be. After all, it was your love for your mother that drove you to exact your revenge was it not?

You would stop at nothing to find out the truth, to take revenge against those who had caused you such pain. And I, like you, would stop at nothing to protect you from any perceived threats. Although, thinking back, perhaps I was not fit for that role.

After all, _I _was a threat to you was I not?

When Nagi informed me that you had been captured by Yuuki-san my love and desire to protect turned me into an unfeeling being, whose only purpose was to ensure your safety. I did not think twice about cutting through that cliff face, nor did I spare a second thought for Yuuki-san, who plummeted to the rocks below.

This is the moment when my mind began to unravel. When my thoughts began to eat away at my sanity. I pushed them down as best I could though. There were, after all, more important things to deal with. Such as you.

You were broken. Nothing but an empty shell of the girl I had come to know as my best friend. Your eyes, which usually held such fight and anger, as well as a child like innocence, were dark and empty. I still do not what caused this change in you; I didn't have the heart to ask. I hated seeing you like that. Broken, empty...lonely.

You were _still_ lonely.

I took you to a house belonging to a student of mine and allowed you to rest. My emotions were raging but I kept my mask firmly in place. You needed me to be strong for you. You needed me to be your best friend and I...I could not deny you that.

"_I love you too, Shizuru"_

My heart fleetingly soared at those words, but I knew that you did not mean it in the way I wished you to. I knew and yet... it stirred something inside me and I allowed it to. I allowed myself to hope...such a silly girl I was.

I clung to that hope like a life line; it kept me afloat when I could feel myself beginning to drown, being pulled under in to the dark depths that I knew resided within me. However, it was not long before the buoyancy your words provided became a dead weight, dragging me closer towards the shadows I was so desperately trying to escape.

It was difficult for me Natsuki. I was always by your side and yet...I felt like I was always behind you, following you like a sheep. Watching but being unable touch. So close and yet, so undeniably far.

Every time you pulled me in and allowed me to feel secure there, you would abruptly push me away again. It hurt me and...I suppose there is only so much a person can take before they are besieged by a feeling of utter defeat.

I felt pathetic. Lusting after somebody that I _knew_ could never be mine. Chasing something that would forever be out of reach. But, I could not pull myself away. I could not leave your side. Especially not when you were in danger. You could no longer defend yourself, but that was ok; I would do that for you. Anything for you.

I never wanted to hurt you. And yet...I did. I did the one thing that would hurt you the most. I betrayed your trust. With that one stolen kiss I reopened and poured salt in to wounds that were barely closed to begin with.

"_NO!"_

That single word, filled with such terror and repulsion...it broke me. No, it utterly _devastated_ me. I knew that you would never accept my love, but...hearing you scream in such disgust, while reeling away from me as if my touch would burn...it was too much. The pain was too much. I couldn't handle it.

The shadows were no longer licking at my heels but devouring me whole. And I let them.

In that moment everything that I was became nothing but a ghost. I did not hear the harsh wind as it whipped my hair around my face, I could not feel the weight of my naginata in my hand, I did not feel the chains of my sanity breaking around me... I did not care.

The darkness inside me did not drag me kicking and screaming, oh no, I went willingly. I gladly let it take control,

"_Kiyohime"_

I did not recognise my own voice, though I understood that my Child's name had undoubtedly spilled past my own numb lips. You were yelling, your voice cracking as Duran still refused to show himself. Even in my severely unhinged state I still wished to protect you Natsuki. Though my words of comfort did not seem to quell your panic.

You yelled, begging for me to stop, but I could not. The girl standing pathetically before me was a HiME, and as such, she was a threat to your safety. However weak she may have been, I could not allow her to retain her powers. It took mere seconds to eradicate her as a threat. Effortless.

Green truly is my favourite colour. And those sparkling green flecks that showered down upon us were indeed beautiful. Though they held nothing on the beauty of your eyes.

You should have been wary of me Natsuki. You should never have allowed me to get so close you. Your instincts about the un-trustworthiness of the human race were spot on. And I had proven that to you.

It was strange, the feeling I had during my darkest hours. I was well aware that the hands skilfully manoeuvring that blood red naginata were my own and yet...it was all so surreal. Like I was merely a spectator in the entire performance. Nothing but the audience to the horrifying slaughter and obliteration of human life.

I annihilated all your enemies. I cut through them as if they were nothing more than blades of grass. I felt no strain on my muscles, no exhaustion from hours of strenuous exercise, and most certainly no penitence for the sins I was committing.

I felt nothing. But I _saw,_ I _heard_ and I _smelt_...everything. Skin ripping, muscles, tendons and ligaments snapping, bones shattering and ..._blood. _

Ah yes, there was blood. The crimson liquid splattered and dripped, staining floors and walls as proof of my crimes. Crimes which I will forever be atoning for. The coppery scent and sticky texture will perpetually haunt me.

My hands will eternally be tainted. No amount of scrubbing will ever remove the blood that stains them.

My murderous rampage did not end with the annihilation of the First District. No, I would take one more life before this was over. I would have taken two had you not interfered. It was at this point that, although I still held you in much reverence, I began to feel something different towards you.

This _love_ of mine became truly twisted. I no longer saw you as a beautiful girl who, despite outward appearances, was very caring...I no longer saw you as my best friend who had opened up to me more than anyone else...I no longer saw you as a _person_. I saw you as an _object_. An object that could be owned and moulded in to whatever I wanted it to be.

And if you could not be mine, I would not allow anyone else to have you.

I did not even consider your feelings on the matter; I did not even think that you may have an opinion. I did not _care_ what _you _wanted. I cared about what _I _wanted, and nothing else. And I wanted you. That was all I had ever wanted.

Before long I got to see that flame rekindled in your brilliant emeralds. It was back, stronger than ever and not even the sea would be able to douse it. The fire and determination was back, and it hurt me to think that the cause of that was none other than myself.

I saw the maelstrom of emotions swirling in your eyes and I took it to mean that you were here to put an end to me. I was correct.

We destroyed the very room we had spent our happiest, most relaxed moments in without a thought, it took mere seconds. I could see nothing but you. You would be mine, or I would die trying to posses you.

Duran was no longer the Child he had been. He now rivalled Kiyohime in size and as you spoke about how our emotions gave our Child's power...I could only think of one reason, one emotion that would make Duran so colossal.

You hated me.

At this realisation my insanity did not deepen as one would have expected, in actual fact, I began to claw back control. Grasping desperately at the edge of sanity, reaching but not being able to find a decent hold. I was once again chasing something that I could not reach. You were always out of my reach...and now so was my sanity.

It is truly a testament to your skill and ability as a fighter that you managed to avoid being impaled upon my naginata. I may have been trying to real in my sanity, but my mind was still as turbulent and dangerous as it had been. I had pledged to destroy any thing that was a threat to you had I not? My mind was still very much aware that should I lose, you would disappear. Which meant that by attacking me, _you_ became a threat.

Strange how that works isn't it? In order to protect you Kiyohime was violently clashing against Duran, since the mechanical wolf was not holding back his own attacks. The high pitched sound of the bullets from your pistols as they pierced the air around me sent my heart beat through the roof, pounding relentlessly in my ears.

My sanity was still mostly absent but it was there. The hurt I felt from the knowledge of your hatred for me had tugged me out of the dark numbness slightly and I found that I could control myself a little more. I fled in to the dilapidated church, luring you inside, daring you to follow. You did not disappoint.

When the antique bell from the church tower fell from its previous position and trapped you within its metal confines I saw my chance. My naginata whipped out almost instantly, enclosing around your cage and crushing it with ease, shattering the old metal in to enumerable pieces and freeing you from your dark prison.

Of course, you were not yet completely free, as the cold harsh metal of my niginata's chain wound itself forcefully around your body. Your face twisted in pain and my heart lurched in my chest. I couldn't go through with my plan. In that moment, as I tugged you towards my position my thoughts became loud. I couldn't make you mine. I couldn't force you to do something that you did not want.

You were a _person_.

And not just any person, but the beautiful, shy girl that I had fallen in love with. My naginata released you and I stabbed it into the ground quickly before enveloping you with my arms, my knees became weak and my legs gave out beneath me. The exhaustion of the previous day's events had caught up with my body and my muscles screamed out in protest.

You pushed me away, though your hand stayed on my shoulder, and I prepared myself for the cruel words I was sure would spill from your lips as you told me that you thought me disgusting and that you could not accept such twisted feelings. What came, however, was the very last thing I would ever have expected.

Your lips pressed against mine and my heart stopped.

My sanity returned almost completely as you pulled away and locked your deep emerald eyes with mine. Your words were not harsh or angry, but soft and laced with an amount of affection that I thought impossible to be directed at me. You loved me. It may not have been in the way I wanted but...you _did_ love me. I could see it in your eyes, and hear the truth in your words.

"_Duran! Load Silver Cartridge!" _

My eyes went wide as I realised your intentions. You were going to destroy Kiyohime...and Duran as well. You were going to die here with me. Why would you want to do something like that? And even if it was necessary for the ending of the Carnival, why did you have to save me first? How could you care so much about a monster like me? I still do not understand why you made such a sacrifice.

"_FIRE!" _

The explosion was thunderous and almost deafened me, leaving an uncomfortable ringing in my ears. My heart clenched painfully in my chest but I paid it no heed. Your arms were wrapped so protectively around me that I didn't care. I was going to die, and you had said that you loved me. I was okay with dying. I had always said that if it were for you, I would do anything. And dying was no exception.

You held me tight as we disappeared, those pretty green flecks flickering around us as the wind created from the explosion whipped through the church. I was content, nothing mattered anymore and I wanted it to stay that way. Of course, that did not happen. We were resurrected and I no longer felt content. I felt guilt.

Gut wrenching, soul destroying guilt that made my heart tighten painfully and my stomach lurch. The raging emotions within me could no longer be contained by my perfect mask; it was too much, too quickly. I pulled out of our embrace, not wanting you to see my broken expression. I covered my eyes by burying my head in my hands, retreating to my natural behaviour of hiding from you.

My voice was ragged and raw, but the apologies scratched their way out. I couldn't handle the thought of you leaving me, I didn't want to be left to the demons inside me again, they were still there, trying to drag me back to the shadows where I felt nothing. They will never leave me.

Once again I felt your hand on my shoulder and my head lifted instinctively, despite the fear I felt. I was scared about what I would see in your eyes. I needn't have been. You eyes were filled with understanding, forgiveness and affection. More tears burned paths down my face in mild relief.

"_It's ok Shizuru. I forgive you. It's alright now" _

Your comfort was enough for me then. I could carry on as long as you were by my side. I could deal with being in such close proximity to those I had defeated as long as I knew you were there. Destroying the HiME star was exhilarating, it felt like I was reclaiming my life, my sanity, it gave me the strength to continue.

The end of the Carnival did not mark the end of my problems though. You are still by my side yes, but things are different now, and I am starting to realise that they are not going to return to the way they were before. You are wary of me, you act differently and you seem uncomfortable when we are alone together.

It is tearing at my heart that things have ended up this way between us. And it hurts more than anything to know that it was me who caused this rift. It was me who tore through the trust we had.

You try to reassure me constantly. You try to make me feel better and you try to act normally around me. You are trying so hard to make me believe that my feelings towards you are not a problem. That you do not mind, and that you are glad for it. But I can see that you are uncomfortable, you are not at ease with it at all, and I know that you wish things could go back to the way they were before.

But things cannot ever be as they were before. I wish so much that they could but... this is how things are now.

Before, I was hurting yes, but now, this pain in my chest is threatening to tip me in to the depths I am so terrified of. I know that you see it when you look in my eyes, the fear and pain that I can no longer completely cover up. And I see the hurt that flashes through your own eyes when you realise that you are the cause of it.

I will be graduating today Natsuki. And I have to decide whether or not I can cut this bond between us. I do not want to, I fear that it may kill the both of us but... I cannot handle this pain anymore; my heart is being crushed slowly, painfully. With each of your gentle smiles and affectionate gazes I brake a little more. I see so much in your eyes and I know... I _know _that you love me. You love me in the same way as I love you and yet, you are running from it. You are scared and I understand how difficult this must all be for you.

I know this and yet...I cannot wait forever for you to stop running. I cannot wait for you to catch up, because by then, I fear that my demons will also have caught up with me. And I do not think I will be able to escape them a second time, with or without your help.

There are only two possible outcomes for me. One will save me and the other will consume me whole and plunge me in to eternal darkness. I wish I had more control over it but I do not. You are in control here Natsuki, just as you always have been.

Standing here, in the gardens where we met, it feels nostalgic and yet...I do not feel a pleasant warmth, I feel cold and bitter. Why did things have to end this way? Why, after everything that I have already been through, do I not get a happy ending like everyone else seems to have? Why am I always the one that is suffering silently in the background, while smiling outwardly to make others feel better? Why?

This world is a cruel place, and I know better than most exactly what happens when that cruelty surpasses ones ability to cope. The desperation clawing at my gut is slowly fading and giving way to utter defeat and...perhaps that is for the best. Perhaps I should just give up and allow the chains to break once more.

At least when in such a state of unhinged reality the pain will be easier to bear. I wouldn't feel a thing. But, the hope that is just barely flickering within me will not allow my complete surrender just yet.

"Shizuru?"

Why are you here? Oh, Natsuki, you look just as beautiful as you did the day we met, your hair shimmering in the sun light, your emerald eyes glinting with so much emotion. This is too cruel. Can't you spare me from more inadvertently hurtful words?

"C-can I talk to you for a minute? There's something important I need to say"

You know that I cannot refuse such a request. My heart always soars when you say such things but this time I am begging you Natsuki, do not let me fall again. Do not shatter my hope, for it is the only thing that I have left.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:<strong> I didn't originally have the last couple of paragraphs in there...but I love Shizuru too much to leave it where it was certainly _not_ a happy ending...this way you guys can decide what Natsuki wants to say to her and if it's a happy ending or not ;)

This was really just something I wrote to clear my mind a little, I never intended to share it so there are probably a few issues here and there that I didn't bother to correct. Not to mention it is really just a lot of rambling :P Sorry about that ;^_^

Cheers for reading,

~IlliterateKoi~


End file.
